So, the last time I wrote I was preparing for spring break and was lamenting that I had not had much time to catch up online due to lack of computer access. Well, I now have a lap top and am happy to finally be up and running. However, something else has come up now that I really feel I must blog about. It is more of a vent then anything so although I like for this blog to remain positive and uplifting for others, I feel I have to have somewhere to release my emotions and this seems the most likely place.
I was enjoying my spring break immensely. Although, I didn't rest as much as I should, I had a fabulous check up and was feeling great, until Thursday. Thursday afternoon I started to feel some
crampy feelings, like during that time of the month. I got off of my feet and rested for the remainder of the evening. I went to bed after drinking a lot of water and lying on my left side, hoping the cramps would go away. The next morning they continued. While they were not painful, they were still very worrisome and I called my doctor immediately. He wanted to see me right away. He checked my cervix and saw that everything was in good working order. He tested me to see if my hormone production was changing, encouraging labor but the test came back negative. He told me to go home and treat this as preterm labor anyway. Rest, relax and don't over
exert. If I am still having cramps on Monday or if they worsen I am to see him again.
It is now Saturday. I am still cramping and although I am trying to maintain a
postitive outlook about all of this, I am still very nervous. First, it is way too early for a baby to arrive. I am only 24 weeks along and I know there are some pretty hefty concerns if a baby comes that early' so of course I want to do all I can to keep my body from trying to begin labor. Second, I hate the timing of this. Why
couldn't this have happened last week when I was beginning a week off. I know that the world does not revolve around me and my job will survive without me, but I hate to let anyone down and missing the first day back after spring break really worries me, much less the thought of bed rest.
I am scared to death of bed rest. I know exactly what lesson the universe is trying to teach me here, as I have seen it many times before. If I am put on
bedrest, I will have to learn acceptance. I will have to accept that I can't make plans and not expect them to change. I will have to accept that I will have to ask for help from others and I will have to accept that I will have to
relinquish control both at work and at home and let things happen as they will. All of this is difficult for me. I like being in control. I really like feeling like my students depend on me and if someone else takes over my classes that means that they don't really need me. I have always been a person who would rather do it myself then ask for help and if I can't get up to make myself lunch, I will be swallowing a lot of pride. Now, I know I am jumping way ahead of myself here and I need to just take it one day at a time and see what happens, but I was so not planning for this. I kept putting this
possibility out of my mind. I kept telling myself, I am going to make it through this pregnancy problem free. I am going to finish my semester, I am going to have a month and a half to prepare for the baby before she even gets here after the semester. Every year it seems I have had some major catastrophe that has put me behind at work. I wanted to be the every woman who could be pregnant and
finish my semester without complaint or extra leave time. Again, I know it still could happen but with every cramp/contraction I have a little more hope is being squeezed out of me as reality sets in. A reality I don't want to face.
I know all of this sounds so selfish. I should be happy to have carried my baby this long already. I should be thankful that I have the ability to be on
bedrest and still provide for my family if it comes to that. I should be focused on keeping this baby safe and healthy and I am which is why this all feels so challenging. I feel so conflicted. I want to stay completely in bed because I don't want to feel even the slightest twinge for fear that I might hurt the baby or put her in
jeopardy of coming early. Even though the doctor said just to take it easy, I am afraid to even move to the couch for fear of moving too much. I feel like I am going crazy with worry and I need to just calm down. I need to breathe and really relax. I cannot control what will happen next and I think that is probably what bothers me the most. I will get through this though and either way I will be back on the blog catching up on all that is over due, if only to take my mind off of the situation. If you read this all the way through, thanks for being there. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I will keep posting as the situation changes or doesn't change.